A letter I will never give to you
I love so much about you. For example: how we wrestle, how we are so mean to each other yet always know it’s a joke, how you pester me, and even the constant tickling. And all of those times that you’ve gently kissed my head, my shoulder, my neck, my fingers, my hands…well, they make my heart melt. You are wonderful to me. I’ve grown to actually come out of my shell around you, and it was perfect—even though I thought it could never get to that level. You may not buy me things or put much money into me, but you show love in a different way. Like how you involve me in every bit of your life. Everything from shaving your face and doing laundry to chilling with friends and family. You involve me in every bit and piece and that lets me know that you want me there.
I love you. I love everything about you, about us, and about how you’ve changed me.
But I fear I can never win this battle. I will never be able to just talk about you drinking, think about you being drunk, or hear about you blacking out without becoming nauseous, faint, and anxious. I’ve tried all that I can, and in the end, I have to choose what is best for me. I know I can move on from you, it will be painful but it is possible. But I can’t get over this; not on my own like you expect me to. My mind and sanity and health can only take so much—and it has reached its complete shattering point. I have chosen to do what is best for me and that is to let you go. I will always love you though. You have a special part in my heart and will always claim that spot. I am sorry that I have to do this.
Wonderful friend
Sometimes I think of all that you’ve done, and then how you say everything to make yourself a hypocrite, not to mention all the times I’ve tried to help you. Yeah, maybe you deserve this.
You get to suffer, Tumblr.
Since I am banned from expressing my annoyances to him, I get to express them here.
I highly dislike the point that I have to ask what you did last night (or any night or day or moment) for you to tell me. I just freely tell you. I like for you to know what I’m up to and what I’ve done, not to ensure to you that I’m behaving but to include you in my life doings.
Giving and taking. Reciprocals. That is what any sort of relationship is about. You fail to realize this in nearly every manner.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.
Rosemarie Urquico (via kblitz)
(via conversationslips)
Rosemarie no longer has an active blog, but she can be found on Facebook here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/profile.php?id=585211028
To see the post about how she was found, please go here. Thanks to Booksnbrew for searching!
(via themonicabird)
(Source: blitzkreigkate)
via themonicabird
“When I give my heart to you I trust that we will go through happy & sad times, just promise to never throw my heart away….”
It is time that I begin to learn this important word: trust. I’ve read and memorized it’s dictionary meaning countless times. I’ve dedicated many days and sleepless nights to conjuring up what it means to each person. What it means to me, specifically. I’ve come to the realization that this is going to be the toughest moment and toughest lesson learned in my life. But for things to go right, it has to happen. I cannot live a life with absent of trust.
Things are getting serious between him and I. All the more reason to learn just what trust is. But not only to learn. I need to take it in. I need to become trust again. There is a simile that really portrays trust “Trust is like paper. Once crumbled, it can never be perfect again.” And mine was crumbled.
And it will never be perfect again.
That is not to say that I give up. I WILL learn to trust again. I will push those thoughts out of my head. I will no longer push them to the back where they can creep to the front again. No. I am above that now. I will use logic and instincts to know that his words are true. That he will never let go of my heart again. That he will never do that to me again. That I will never do that to him again. That he won’t have a drunk one night stand. That he isn’t hitting on girls while at prom right now. That he will never, ever, message girls and tell them all the same things he tells me. He really wants to try this time.
And that is what makes this different.
I am ready to move on from those latter thoughts. I need to make sure he can trust me so I can trust him. And it will happen. I have the drive.
I will trust once again.
via joshbregy
Wrong choices, Lost chances.
Ahh, nothing better than to avoid homework via writing a blog and venting. Lately, I feel like I’ve made some very stupid choices. And such choices will not leave me alone…at all. I thought “Surely if I put them to the side, they will go away.” but they won’t. I don’t understand. It has never been this way with the other guys…why with this one? Okay, so this one was even less expected, and MUCH more awkward. Not to mention, a bit more…well…it went further than intended. Granted, all the other ones did to, but you see…it never went THAT far. And with the one other guy that it did, it didn’t bother me or haunt me as much because of two reasons. One: I don’t go to school with him. Two: we knew each other MUCH more. I don’t understand why it happened, how it happened, why I let it happen, and why it is such a big deal to me….
I feel like my bladder is being abused via stretching and neglect.
Okay, now that the wrong choices I’ve made in the past couple of days is out of the way, it’s onto how I feel about the outcome. Good God it is SO awkward between us. We do not directly talk to eachother, we avoid eye contact, visions and memories constantly plague me…it never ends and seems to only get worse. What I hate most is that I probably fucked this opportunity up. And I want to save what is left of it, but I have no idea how to go about that. Do I give it a few weeks and then come around again? Do I demand to talk to him about it? -sigh- I’m so frazzled. And the one guy I usually go to this stuff for is well…he is in love with me and always will be and I simply can’t do that to him. He would be torn apart to know that I have moved on and that I have done such a thing so soon. I really need someone to talk to this about and get an outside opinion but can’t find anyone. I mean, I can FEEL the awkwardness simmering through the walls that separate us.
Could my hidden guilt be causing this? I can’t tell. I feel like I have to tell him that I love him and that I miss him just to make myself feel a bit better. I hate trying to keep it all from him…I feel that I am lying to his pride, his honesty, his trust, his heart.
I can’t do this and feel an emotional breakdown coming on. I need to vent. I need to cry. I need to get it out of my mind.
I feel I have lost an amazing opportunity and I would do nearly anything for that back. I hate what-if’s with a burning passion.
What a wrong choice and lost chance can do to you.
My Thoughts of the Moment
I feel like a my heart shattered. I almost wish I had never brought it up…no, I do wish I had never brought it up. I hope your words are true, and that I really will always be in your heart—no matter how long this takes.
I can’t stand the thought of being just friends with you, because you mean so much more to me. I also can’t stand the thought of not being able to say that I love you, or miss you, or want to cuddle. I can’t stand the point that all of our little plans that I was so excited about are now gone; more than likely will never happen.
Even more so, I can’t stand that I let this happen.
I am amazed I didn’t cry in front of you though….
Was I the only one who imagined Lady Gaga to look like this when they said she was an egg?
via le-nickasaur
Something that isn’t fun:
Struggling to keep myself together…feeling like I’m about to shatter into a thousand pieces.
Random Daze theme by Polaraul
